Use the form below to ask a question.
''Learning about sex is a lifetime adventure. It helps keep us feeling younger, inspired, excited, enriched, enthralled and stimulated. It can enrich our relationships and our lives. One of the secrets to staying young is to never ever ever stop learning and never ever ever stop being sexual. ''
Ask The Sexologist
Some people thing that good sexual experiences should just happen. Somehow, in some way, we should just know how to love ourselves and the people around us. But this is a myth.
Good sexuality comes through learning, watching, imagining, observing good role models, reading, and being exposed to good experiences. We have to be prepared to learn, think, plan and invest time and application to really nurture our sexuality.
This site is dedicated to nurturing good sexuality. We encourage you to submit any questions you may have to 'ask the sexologist' and Sarah Milne will reply within five working days. We won't include any personal information about you, so you won't be identified in any way.
faqs section 01
I crave affection and love in my marriage. When we were dating we use to spend lot of time cuddling and kissing. But now, seven years into our marriage, it alll seems to have disappeared. My husband wants sex, I don't feel loved and I don't want to make love with him. What can I do?
Watch this space for the answer to this question.
Watch this space for the answer to this question.
I tried swallowing my boyfriend's cum last night and I really didn't like the taste. He wants me to swallow - I would like to swallow too - can you suggest anything to make things easier?
Ahhhh, semen. Fruit of the gods for some people. Other people have trouble stomaching it. Here's some suggestions.
Firstly, think about your attitude to swallowing. If you think "This is going to taste awful!" it can become like a self-fulfilling prophecy. But if you think "This is the ultimate delicous love juice, the very manliness of my lover," then WAY TO GO!
It may help if you think that semen has got a good dose of calcium, zinc, potassium and proteins in it, so chances are it is good for you (although don't go relying on it for your daily recommended dose of vitamins and minerals!). There's even some research to suggest that cum might have an antidepressive effect.
Swallowing in some cultures is seen as a complete acceptance of your lover. Kind of like "If you swallow a man's semen, you accept him totally, every single pore of him." It is meant to energise and uplift you.
Swallowing quickly works for some people. Basically, the longer you leave the cum on your tongue the more time your taste mechanisms have of registering it. Swallow quickly and it is out of the way.
There is a claimed link between what one eats and the taste of their semen. If your partner eats a more alkaline diet, rich in fruit and vegetables, low in spice and fish, he could well taste better. Pineapple is meant to be particularly good.
Stay open to experimentation and keep trying.
Ahhhh, semen. Fruit of the gods for some people. Other people have trouble stomaching it. Here's some suggestions.
Firstly, think about your attitude to swallowing. If you think "This is going to taste awful!" it can become like a self-fulfilling prophecy. But if you think "This is the ultimate delicous love juice, the very manliness of my lover," then WAY TO GO!
It may help if you think that semen has got a good dose of calcium, zinc, potassium and proteins in it, so chances are it is good for you (although don't go relying on it for your daily recommended dose of vitamins and minerals!). There's even some research to suggest that cum might have an antidepressive effect.
Swallowing in some cultures is seen as a complete acceptance of your lover. Kind of like "If you swallow a man's semen, you accept him totally, every single pore of him." It is meant to energise and uplift you.
Swallowing quickly works for some people. Basically, the longer you leave the cum on your tongue the more time your taste mechanisms have of registering it. Swallow quickly and it is out of the way.
There is a claimed link between what one eats and the taste of their semen. If your partner eats a more alkaline diet, rich in fruit and vegetables, low in spice and fish, he could well taste better. Pineapple is meant to be particularly good.
Stay open to experimentation and keep trying.
My boyfriend and I want to beef up our sex life. I mean, it is just fine right now, but we want to make it even better. We don't want to let it ever be boring. What could we try?
Congratulations! It is fantastic that you are already happy with your sex life, yet are bold and curious to be looking for ways to beef it up some more.
The world is your oyster! You can try anything and everything that you both agree on. Without knowing what you are already up to, here are some suggestions:
More oral, including 69, different tongue techniques, using different fluids that may be warmer or cooler to achieve different sensations, incorporating hand techniques with the oral to really blow the mind....
Different settings. Move out of the bedroom and into different rooms and other places.
Watching quality porn together. Lot of couples enjoy this, other couples don't. Choose what is right for you both.
Exploring different positions. There are some useful books out there that can give you pictorial guidance of different ways to try.
Exploring different approaches to sexuality. Investigating tantric and taoism sexuality can add a whole new dimension, both to your love making and your lives together.
Experiment with seduction. Be open to playing out different seduction scenes. Spice it up with costumes, strip tease shows, bondage, blindfolds, rude food, and sex toys.
Have fun. Keep mixing it up. Enjoy.
Congratulations! It is fantastic that you are already happy with your sex life, yet are bold and curious to be looking for ways to beef it up some more.
The world is your oyster! You can try anything and everything that you both agree on. Without knowing what you are already up to, here are some suggestions:
More oral, including 69, different tongue techniques, using different fluids that may be warmer or cooler to achieve different sensations, incorporating hand techniques with the oral to really blow the mind....
Different settings. Move out of the bedroom and into different rooms and other places.
Watching quality porn together. Lot of couples enjoy this, other couples don't. Choose what is right for you both.
Exploring different positions. There are some useful books out there that can give you pictorial guidance of different ways to try.
Exploring different approaches to sexuality. Investigating tantric and taoism sexuality can add a whole new dimension, both to your love making and your lives together.
Experiment with seduction. Be open to playing out different seduction scenes. Spice it up with costumes, strip tease shows, bondage, blindfolds, rude food, and sex toys.
Have fun. Keep mixing it up. Enjoy.
My wife and I have two chldren, the youngest is 7 months. My wife seems to have lost all interest in sex. First it was because she was pregnant. Now she is too tired or too busy. I am going nuts. Nothing I try seems to work. I feel like I have lost all significance in her life. What can I do?
There are a host of things you can do. The single most important thing is to speak with your wife in a positive caring way about your feelings. Please don’t apportion any blame. Simply, at an appropriate time, explain how much you miss being sexually intimate with her. Explain how it is something that you enjoy, and you hope that she enjoys too, and you would like to reinstate sexual intimacy in your relationship. Bringing the issue out in the open, in a non-threatening, non-emotive way, is really important. Then listen carefully to what your partner has to say. This will help you a lot in working to find solutions. Initially she may feel threatened and hostile, but hopefully you can work through these feelings and start searching for solutions as a couple.
There are some important issues to consider.
After childbirth there can be some real physical reasons for women being reluctant to be sexual. If your wife has had an episiotomy (followed by stitches in her perineum) after a vaginal birth she may be concerned about pain. Your wife may need to see a doctor for advice. Or if she is breast feeding she may be experiencing a drop in the hormone estrogen that could leave her vaginal lining feeling thin and dry. This can mean that intercourse is painful. Topical water based lubricants available from your pharmacist or supermarket can help. If she has had a caesarian delivery she may be concerned about whether her incision has completely healed. Reassurance from your midwife can be helpful.
After childbirth women can be very busy meeting the needs of your newborn while coping with the demands of a toddler, who may suddenly feel emotionally challenged having lost their position of soul focus. There are routines to juggle, and the challenge of sleep deprivation. Fatigue can be a real passion killer for women. Talk to her about this, because maybe you can help out more, or you can get additional temporary help to ease the load.
Many women struggle with body image issues after birth. They mourn the loss – however temporary – of their figure, and they consequently may not feel as sexual as normal. Reassurance from you may help. Many women also feel better when they start making positive changes so your wife may find that exercising and eating in a healthy fashion can boost her libido.
Psychological issues can have a big influence on libido, including depression, baby blues, stress, anxiety, trauma of past sexual abuse and obesity. Medications can also have an affect on libido.
Maybe your wife is unhappy with the quality of your relationship and this is reflected in her lowered libido.
It will be very beneficial to talk about your relationship and the quality of your sexual intimacy with you wife. Is it as good as it could be? She may need support to open up and be completely honest. Sometimes people’s libido drops because intimacy has lost its ‘buzz’ – it’s no longer exciting and enticing. Together you may need to talk about ways to spice it up. Perhaps you need to make yourself more attractive. Perhaps your wife would like to feel that you are courting her again, that you are affectionate and loving outside of the bedroom, and that your mutual foreplay is a turn-on instead of a turn-off. Perhaps you need to experiment with different techniques, positions and sex toys. Perhaps you would enjoy investigating tantric or Taoism practices.
The above answer gives you some suggestions that your wife and you may like to investigate. It may also be useful to visit a sex coach or sex therapist who can help you work towards a mutually satisfying solution.
There are a host of things you can do. The single most important thing is to speak with your wife in a positive caring way about your feelings. Please don’t apportion any blame. Simply, at an appropriate time, explain how much you miss being sexually intimate with her. Explain how it is something that you enjoy, and you hope that she enjoys too, and you would like to reinstate sexual intimacy in your relationship. Bringing the issue out in the open, in a non-threatening, non-emotive way, is really important. Then listen carefully to what your partner has to say. This will help you a lot in working to find solutions. Initially she may feel threatened and hostile, but hopefully you can work through these feelings and start searching for solutions as a couple.
There are some important issues to consider.
After childbirth there can be some real physical reasons for women being reluctant to be sexual. If your wife has had an episiotomy (followed by stitches in her perineum) after a vaginal birth she may be concerned about pain. Your wife may need to see a doctor for advice. Or if she is breast feeding she may be experiencing a drop in the hormone estrogen that could leave her vaginal lining feeling thin and dry. This can mean that intercourse is painful. Topical water based lubricants available from your pharmacist or supermarket can help. If she has had a caesarian delivery she may be concerned about whether her incision has completely healed. Reassurance from your midwife can be helpful.
After childbirth women can be very busy meeting the needs of your newborn while coping with the demands of a toddler, who may suddenly feel emotionally challenged having lost their position of soul focus. There are routines to juggle, and the challenge of sleep deprivation. Fatigue can be a real passion killer for women. Talk to her about this, because maybe you can help out more, or you can get additional temporary help to ease the load.
Many women struggle with body image issues after birth. They mourn the loss – however temporary – of their figure, and they consequently may not feel as sexual as normal. Reassurance from you may help. Many women also feel better when they start making positive changes so your wife may find that exercising and eating in a healthy fashion can boost her libido.
Psychological issues can have a big influence on libido, including depression, baby blues, stress, anxiety, trauma of past sexual abuse and obesity. Medications can also have an affect on libido.
Maybe your wife is unhappy with the quality of your relationship and this is reflected in her lowered libido.
It will be very beneficial to talk about your relationship and the quality of your sexual intimacy with you wife. Is it as good as it could be? She may need support to open up and be completely honest. Sometimes people’s libido drops because intimacy has lost its ‘buzz’ – it’s no longer exciting and enticing. Together you may need to talk about ways to spice it up. Perhaps you need to make yourself more attractive. Perhaps your wife would like to feel that you are courting her again, that you are affectionate and loving outside of the bedroom, and that your mutual foreplay is a turn-on instead of a turn-off. Perhaps you need to experiment with different techniques, positions and sex toys. Perhaps you would enjoy investigating tantric or Taoism practices.
The above answer gives you some suggestions that your wife and you may like to investigate. It may also be useful to visit a sex coach or sex therapist who can help you work towards a mutually satisfying solution.
I am 46 years old, married and I have never experienced an orgasm. I feel ashamed to write that. I read about orgasms in books and magazines, watch actors supposedly experiencing them on movies, yet I just have no idea what they are like. Are orgasms all hype, or am I really missing out on something sensational? How can I start experiencing orgasms? How will I know when I have experienced one? Please help.
Ahhh, orgasms. We hear lots about them in the popular press, see actors simulating them in movies, but for some people they can seem to be like unicorns – a beautiful, mythical being, somehow beyond their reach.
The good news is – you are in for some fun adventures as you explore your body and learn to tap your wonderful orgasmic potential. One of the first steps is to acknowledge that you have a right to enjoy your body, including your orgasmic potential, regardless of the sexual messages you may have grown up hearing. You have the right to pleasure yourself.
You may like to start by reading some books of self discovery. These could include Betty Dodson’s Sex for One, or Lonnie Barbach’s For Yourself, or Marcelle Perk’s Incredible Orgasm.
Take your time and learn to enjoy exploring your body, enjoy the touch of your skin and explore every beautiful piece of yourself. I am not sure whether you are currently in a relationship, but regardless it is good to spend some time just with yourself. Set the scene by dimming the lights, or lighting some scented candles, playing some music you love, make sure you are warm and comfortable and simply explore. Send yourself lots of strong, loving messages about how good it is to enjoy your body. Let go of any anxieties you may have and experiment with different strokes, different pressures, different speeds and different body parts that you enjoy caressing. Learn about your anatomy especially your genitals and experiment with what areas are most pleasureable for you.
Try and visit this exercise over several days as each time you should find you become more comfortable and relaxed. Experiment with your breathing, as slow deep breathing can help reduce anxiety. As your sexual pleasure builds you may want to experiment with more rapid, ‘panting’ type breathing.
Be open to experimenting with classy erotica or fantasy. It can help set the scene and quell anxiety. You might also want to explore different textures and sensations.
Focus and relax into the pleasureable sensations. You may like to experiment with extra sensations by using sex toys and lubricant – I recommend waterbased products such as “Sylk”. You can buy them from most supermarkets or pharmacies.
I recommend that you focus on the sensations as opposed to being goal focused and trying to force yourself to experience an orgasm. This never works. Orgasms can’t be forced. Go with the flow. Allow the sensations to build. Follow what you enjoy. Relax and explore. Open yourself to the sensations. You can relax and do anything.
And how will you know when you experience your first orgasm…… It is truly difficult to capture the excitement of an orgasm in words. It is a sexual peak, an absolute sensation highlight. Emotionally you may feel fulfilled, satisfied, calm or relaxed. Orgasms can vary between people. It may be intense and short, or more lingering and soft, or explosive and dramatic, or soft and quiet.
Feel inspired, and go experiment!
Ahhh, orgasms. We hear lots about them in the popular press, see actors simulating them in movies, but for some people they can seem to be like unicorns – a beautiful, mythical being, somehow beyond their reach.
The good news is – you are in for some fun adventures as you explore your body and learn to tap your wonderful orgasmic potential. One of the first steps is to acknowledge that you have a right to enjoy your body, including your orgasmic potential, regardless of the sexual messages you may have grown up hearing. You have the right to pleasure yourself.
You may like to start by reading some books of self discovery. These could include Betty Dodson’s Sex for One, or Lonnie Barbach’s For Yourself, or Marcelle Perk’s Incredible Orgasm.
Take your time and learn to enjoy exploring your body, enjoy the touch of your skin and explore every beautiful piece of yourself. I am not sure whether you are currently in a relationship, but regardless it is good to spend some time just with yourself. Set the scene by dimming the lights, or lighting some scented candles, playing some music you love, make sure you are warm and comfortable and simply explore. Send yourself lots of strong, loving messages about how good it is to enjoy your body. Let go of any anxieties you may have and experiment with different strokes, different pressures, different speeds and different body parts that you enjoy caressing. Learn about your anatomy especially your genitals and experiment with what areas are most pleasureable for you.
Try and visit this exercise over several days as each time you should find you become more comfortable and relaxed. Experiment with your breathing, as slow deep breathing can help reduce anxiety. As your sexual pleasure builds you may want to experiment with more rapid, ‘panting’ type breathing.
Be open to experimenting with classy erotica or fantasy. It can help set the scene and quell anxiety. You might also want to explore different textures and sensations.
Focus and relax into the pleasureable sensations. You may like to experiment with extra sensations by using sex toys and lubricant – I recommend waterbased products such as “Sylk”. You can buy them from most supermarkets or pharmacies.
I recommend that you focus on the sensations as opposed to being goal focused and trying to force yourself to experience an orgasm. This never works. Orgasms can’t be forced. Go with the flow. Allow the sensations to build. Follow what you enjoy. Relax and explore. Open yourself to the sensations. You can relax and do anything.
And how will you know when you experience your first orgasm…… It is truly difficult to capture the excitement of an orgasm in words. It is a sexual peak, an absolute sensation highlight. Emotionally you may feel fulfilled, satisfied, calm or relaxed. Orgasms can vary between people. It may be intense and short, or more lingering and soft, or explosive and dramatic, or soft and quiet.
Feel inspired, and go experiment!
I love my wife very much but I am so frustrated about how little affection she demonstrates for me. I feel completely unloved and it is really getting me down. What can I do?
The first thing is to talk to your wife and express your feelings,including how much you love her, and how you would enjoy sharing more expressions of affection. She may be unaware of your feelings, or she may feel that when she does express affection you misunderstand her intent. It is important to listen to her side of the story as well as expressing your views.
It is important to remember that different people express their affection and love in different ways. Your wife may express her affection through caring behaviours whereas you may want to express your affection through physical contact. It may take time and understanding, and you may also need to assess whether you are expressing your love for your wife in a way she can relate to and appreciate.
The first thing is to talk to your wife and express your feelings,including how much you love her, and how you would enjoy sharing more expressions of affection. She may be unaware of your feelings, or she may feel that when she does express affection you misunderstand her intent. It is important to listen to her side of the story as well as expressing your views.
It is important to remember that different people express their affection and love in different ways. Your wife may express her affection through caring behaviours whereas you may want to express your affection through physical contact. It may take time and understanding, and you may also need to assess whether you are expressing your love for your wife in a way she can relate to and appreciate.